Forgiveness

I realize that it has been a loooong time since I have posted to my blog... I guess things have been busy at this time of year. I did want to share an article that I found recently which I believe does a wonderful job of exploring the issue of forgiveness. It may come in handy at this time of year, especially as we gather with loved ones and opportunities for hurt feelings may come in abundance ;-)

Talk Is Cheap: Earning Forgiveness Through Proper Apology:

by Mia Bolaris-Forget (Staff Writer NYCityWeddings)

Growing up my mother always use to say, I don't want you to merely "say", you are sorry, I want you to mean it, and show me that you are.

What's ironic is that we all take for granted the powerful intentions behind two little words that our society applies to just about every situation in a cavalier manner. From the most egregious offense to accidentally bumping into someone, "I'm Sorry" has become our generation's catchall; exonerating phrase that we believe will cleanse us of our "indiscretions".

Sorry folks, but according to experts, in order for an apology to hold any cadence, it must be an earnest expression of a sincere sentiment. Yet, professionals point out that owning up to our errors is one of the most difficult things to do. Yet, they profess that acknowledging your responsibility, and seeking and asking for forgiveness not only benefits the offended individual but also helps you make peace with yourself.

The following are basic guidelines for implementing an appropriate apology

1. Live Up To Your Responsibility: Don't justify, rationalize or project blame onto someone or something else. Remember, we all have control over how we act. Acknowledge that you're at fault, caused pain, and take the blame that belongs, rightfully, to you.

2. Own Your Error: Fully accept that you were wrong and that you realize the un-necessary aggravation, pain, and hurt you brought about. Showing this kind of understanding offers the other person confidence that you are not merely offering an obligatory apology but are in fact aware of your offensive actions and their detrimental effects.

3. Be Explicit: Experts recommend avoiding simply apologizing for your behavior. Be specific about which actions you are most concerned about and the impact (you feel) they had. This allows the other party to feel comfortable about you assessing and examining the situation and offering them the confidence that you will try to curb it, or get professional assistance to deal with it.

4. The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth: Be honest with yourself and the person you've hurt about EXACTLY what you've done wrong. Examine and discuss the root of the problem, as well as, potential alternatives and solutions. Show the other party that you've considered the gravity of your actions and WHY it triggered such a negative response. This in-depth understanding offers confidence about your sincere desire to get to the root of the situation and move forward without ever looking back or repeating your actions

5. Let Your Guard Down: Be prepared to have the other individual express their disappointment, frustration, even anger. According to experts, refrain from getting offended or defensive. Remember, YOU were the initial instigator. The other person's feelings are valid and legitimate, and they have a right to be angry with you. Offer them that right and make it a priority to make your apology heartfelt.

6. Avoid Conditional Apologies: Refrain from "qualifying" your apology based on only certain things you felt where hurtful. Place yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand how what you did or said affected them. Experts also suggest avoiding words and phrases such as but, if, and, but.

7. If At First You Don't Succeed: Apologize more than once if you have to say experts, especially if the offense is "serious" enough and the person needs a little extra convincing. Wait for the right time and choose your words wisely. Consider also gestures that will exhibit your sincerity.

Response to Reader Comment

I recently received my first comment from a reader (Anger vs. Sadness Blog) and wanted to invite others to share in my response (refer to May 29th post for actual reader comment).

Here was my response:

I am sorry that you are having a hard time "being heard" in your relationship. It never feels good when you feel you have to hide your true self from someone you love.

Have you considered marital counseling? Individual therapy?

I think one of the most important challenges in any relationship, (especially with loved ones where the potential for emotional triggers is high) is to be able to communicate our feelings and desires using "respectful adult communication."

Feelings are fundamentally what makes us who we are. On its own - you can not pass judgment on a feeling - it just IS. A feeling can not be turned off or dictated - it deserves to be looked at and understood. If we ignore, deny, or suppress our feelings, they are bound to come out in other ways - be it paralyzing depression, explosive anger, physical symptoms, or anxiety.

So, to answer your question* -

I don't think it is a matter of trying to find a way "not to be angry," it is about revisiting the possibility of being heard and seen in your relationship. Perhaps you can start by saying, "I feel angry (sad) when I feel unable to share my softer and more vulnerable feelings with you. I want to be myself with you without fearing that my "softer" side is unacceptable or unwelcome."

At the very least, it will open up a dialogue about what is important to you. And that matters.

- Dr. Adena

*Disclaimer: Feedback should not be construed as a substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you suffer from a serious mental disturbance, suicidal or homicidal thoughts, or other mental/emotional issues that might require intervention by local law enforcement, intensive care, or psychiatric hospitalization, you are advised to contact your local emergency services.

PostSecret - Connecting and Being "Heard"

Last November I was introduced to the phenomenon that is "PostSecret". What started as a community mail art project has quickly become an international phenomenon. The concept is simple... individuals anonymously mail in their "secrets" on homemade postcards. While originally displayed in an art exhibition, these cards have now found their place in books, blogs, and social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace.

What is it that makes PostSecret the phenomenon that it is? To me, the answer seems clear. For its readers, it is a space to peruse the deepest (and sometimes not so deep) thoughts of other humans. Perhaps they are looking for some commonality... the feeling that they are not alone. Maybe they want to feel "normal" or find connection in their idiosyncracies. For those who submit, perhaps it is the chance to be heard without judgment or expectation. To bear their deep dark secrets with the hope and/or dread that someone they know will figure out that it was he/she who submitted it.

As a therapist I have come to learn the value of being seen and heard, without judgment or expectation. To be accepted and loved, idiosyncracies and all. Everyone deserves this. Do you feel heard?

I have MOVED!!!

FYI - My new office address is 217-A Merrimon Ave.
Please visit my website at dradena.com for a map.

Thanks!

Boundaries - Not Just a Therapeutic Issue

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language defines the word boundary as...

1. Something that indicates a border or limit.

2. The border or limit so indicated.

In therapy, boundaries are an important piece of preserving the therapeutic experience. They serve as protective measures for both client and therapist to decrease the potential for harm or misuse of power in the relationship. They also set the structure for the relationship, providing a consistent, reliable, predictable, context for the process of therapy. Boundaries are not just a therapeutic issue, however, and the ways in which they are set forth for us in our early lives can have resounding implications on the way we view and approach the world.

What seems like a relatively simple concept is often not so. Let’s take for instance the initial boundary that a human infant is presented with… the boundary of the amniotic sac that encases that unborn child inside their mother’s womb. Although the infant is growing inside its mother’s body, it is in fact inside its own environment with its own, unique blood pumping through its veins. That individual is indeed a separate entity. Once that child is born into the outside world, this boundary becomes more apparent as the separation becomes more clearly defined. From that point forward this individual will forever be navigating this world as an individual entity approaching the world “in relation” to others.

As children we are often limited by the boundaries our parents set forth for us. Some families may have strict, rigid boundaries regarding gender roles, parent-child relationships, interactions with individuals outside the nuclear family, physical contact, etc., while others may have boundaries that are loose or undefined. Just as boundaries set in the therapeutic relationship can provide a sense of safety and containment, boundary rules in families can provide powerful messages regarding similar issues of safety, control, respect, responsibility, and role development. Although it may not be apparent at the time, these initial messages can have a powerful impact on the way we approach the outside world and on the individuals we become.

In the extreme, a child who is physically or sexually abused becomes keenly aware of how another’s choice to cross a physical boundary has impacted them. Boundaries (or lack there of) can, however, be crossed in other, more subtle ways which can have long-term implications on our growth and development. For example a family’s boundaries may also be defined by issues such as whether you are expected to knock before you walk into someone’s room, whether privacy is valued (a child has the right to keep a diary without risking that it will be read by their parent), or whether a child’s emotional space is respected (they are not interrogated with personal questions and pressured to share information they have not volunteered).

These boundary rules can also be manifested in the parent-child relationship. Does a parent preserve the boundary between adult and child or choose to cross this boundary by sharing inappropriate information with their child regarding their own personal experiences? Does the parent protect their children from information or experiences that they do not have the developmental ability to process or understand? Do parents engage in physical and/or verbal fights in front of the children? Does a parent provide the necessary nurturing, guidance, and protection their children deserve or do they reverse this role and seek out these things from their children?

The messages conveyed through these boundary delineations can permeate our personality development in pivotal ways. Imagine for instance the parent who has difficulty recognizing that their child is their own unique person separate from themselves. This parent may see any difference of opinion or any attempts of their child to assert themselves or to pursue relationships with people other than this parent as a “betrayal” or slight. These messages can create great confusion in an individual who is trying to gain clarity or understanding of their own thoughts or beliefs, leading them to feel guilty for having thoughts/opinions separate from their parent's. As children they may feel compelled to "tiptoe" around, limiting their own opinions or contacts with others in order to avoid triggering their parents rage or insecurities. Conversely, they may rebel and spend long periods of time out of the home engaging in risky behaviors. As adults, children of poor-boundaried parents may find it difficult to truly live their life independently while maintaining a relationship with their parent, feeling guilty any time they try to assert themselves or their own needs/wants. They often feel responsible for their own parent's happiness as well as assume a caretaking role with many of those with whom they come into contact. All the while they have learned through subtle messages that they are somehow undeserving or unworthy of recognizing and/or nurturing their own independent wants and desires.

As I write this blog I am keenly aware that I could go on and on about the impact of early boundary messages on development. In tribute to the importance of appropriate boundaries, I will set a boundary for myself in writing this blog... stay tuned for boundary blog #2 in the near or not so near future.

A Work In Progress vs. A Finished Product

Lately it has come to my attention how important it can be to fill one's life not only with "works in progress" but also with "a finished product". As a therapist, mother, and human being trying to muddle through a busy life, so much of the day-to-day is in fact a work in progress. Whether helping a client learn to manage relationships with others, gain better insight into his/herself, change old habits, or build new coping skills, I have come to recognize the importance of noticing and celebrating the little things in this journey towards growth and change. There is no such thing as a "final product" when it comes to evolving as an individual.
The same is true of raising a child. The truth of the matter is you are never truly "done" being a parent. As your children grow and evolve as "beings" in-and-of themselves, you are left to wonder how and when your "work" of parenting will be manifested in their behaviors and choices in life. Sometimes you may feel frustrated and filled with self-doubt as to whether you are making the right choices or doing the right things because there is no "finished product" to marvel at and say (good or bad), "hey, I made that" or "wow, look what I have accomplished."

I have recently read somewhere that in approaching life, running a home, raising a family, or keeping up with daily obligations, it can be helpful to remind yourself that everything is a process, kind of like "painting the golden gate bridge". According to goldengatebridge.org, although the bridge repainting job was finished in 1995, the actual task of painting the bridge is an ongoing task involving daily touch-ups in order to protect the bridge from the salty air which would rust and corrode the steel. Therefore, they are never really done painting the bridge because just as they finish one section they are redirected to another area that needs attention. They have 38 painters fully employed for that sole purpose!

This is where I have found that "to-do lists" and hobbies can be of tremendous value. Everyone likes to feel like they have accomplished something. To me there is no greater feeling than to see the fruits of one's labor reflected in a finished product. I think that is why I feel a tremendous pull to engage is some kind of "artsy" or "hands-on" activity on a daily basis. It keeps me moving forward and recognizing that, although the steps/tasks involved with being a parent, therapist, and homemaker are endless, I can in fact produce something tangible. That is important to me! Whether it be painting a house or a picture, planning a garden or fixing a meal with its yields (hasn't happened yet, but one can dream), or making a to-do list and checking an item off, it is invaluable in bringing me a sense of accomplishment.

If you feel like your life has become like painting the Golden Gate Bridge, I encourage you to try and find a sense of accomplishment in the details, the small gains, and minutia of it. If all else fails, write a to-do list such as "get out of bed and take a shower today" and then take pride in checking it off... it just might make a difference!

Lyrical Therapy

As I mentioned previously in my "Quotes, Quotes, and More Quotes" blog, I find inspiration in various creative arts. And although I am known to indulge in the occasional not-so-inspirational-but-I-like-the-beat musical endeavor, I am finding more and more that there is no greater pleasure than finding an amazing song where you can enjoy the music as well as find meaning in the lyrics. I'm sure you can remember "that song" that spoke to you at one time in your life or another... where it seemed like the writer had stolen the thoughts from your head and put them to music. And whenever you hear that song now, you are taken back to that time, place, or feeling in your life...

I wanted to share a song that is particularly meaningful to me because I stumbled upon at a time when I was working with several "trouble teens" who gifted me with a glimpse inside their world and trusted me as much as they could trust anyone. After initially falling in love with the song for it's mix of vulnerability and rock-edge rolled into one, it became inexplicably more meaningful once I really read the lyrics. To me it represents the perfect "therapy song" for the individual who carries around so much hurt from their past and is uncertain what would be gained by sharing their story with another person... while all the while becoming their own worst enemy... I share it with you...

"Show Me Everything You've Got" - The Rocket Summer

Slide your feet, create the shock
touch another, watch it pop
live a little, live a lot
and show me everything you've got

Oh, cause it takes some time
and just a little bit good?
reality won't hurt for longer than it should
just talking about pain that is there
face the fact, don't act like you don't care

Cause you gotta stop and show it, just so I know you know it
maybe just a little bit, oh come on admit it right now
cause I know that it won't be over till it's gone
so let it be gone

And show me everything you've got
I know you're scared
But let your walls just drop
You gotta take that step, and your heart, just let it pour out

Now I know it's hard to be something that you don't think you are
but it's hard for me to even try to understand why you are beating your own heart
cause you gotta try, just try to be honest
and I will be honest all these things that I say
and I'll listen clear, whether brave or you're modest, I'm here
don't hold back, don't hesitate, don't disappear

And show me everything you've got
I know you're scared
But let your walls just drop
You gotta take that step, and your heart, just let it pour out

And show me everything you've got
I know you're scared
But it's time for you to stop
You gotta take that step, and your heart, just let it make sound

So hey, just let it pour out
don't let your past begin to let you down
just sing it out, just let it make sound
and as it will hurt, it will be healed and found
'cause it's normal that emotional pasts can spawn
emotionless dads, mothers, and nation's flags
so show your face, no don't be afraid,
no don't be afraid to show your face

After all these things I've learned
bad things I do and don't deserve
can easily just shape my life
or shape the way I start to die

No, cause it's up to me
if I dwell much longer than I should
and I'll hold my tears for years thinkin' it's doing me good
so just start right now, just make a vow, you'll let your heart just sing it out, sing it out

And show me everything you've got
I know you're scared
But let your walls just drop
You gotta take that step, and your heart, just let it pour out

And show me everything you've got
I know you're scared
But it's time for you to stop
You gotta take that step, and your heart, just let it make sound