Dr. Adena's Therapy Blog

Silent but not forgotten...

2011-07-10T21:56:00.002-04:00

So after years of silence (due to different priorities) I am considering restarting my blog... what would you like to hear more about... leave a comment with your suggestions....

Forgiveness

2008-12-21T00:06:00.013-05:00

I realize that it has been a loooong time since I have posted to my blog... I guess things have been busy at this time of year. I did want to share an article that I found recently which I believe does a wonderful job of exploring the issue of forgiveness. It may come in handy at this time of year, especially as we gather with loved ones and opportunities for hurt feelings may come in abundance ;-)

Talk Is Cheap: Earning Forgiveness Through Proper Apology:

by Mia Bolaris-Forget (Staff Writer NYCityWeddings)

Growing up my mother always use to say, I don't want you to merely "say", you are sorry, I want you to mean it, and show me that you are.

What's ironic is that we all take for granted the powerful intentions behind two little words that our society applies to just about every situation in a cavalier manner. From the most egregious offense to accidentally bumping into someone, "I'm Sorry" has become our generation's catchall; exonerating phrase that we believe will cleanse us of our "indiscretions".

Sorry folks, but according to experts, in order for an apology to hold any cadence, it must be an earnest expression of a sincere sentiment. Yet, professionals point out that owning up to our errors is one of the most difficult things to do. Yet, they profess that acknowledging your responsibility, and seeking and asking for forgiveness not only benefits the offended individual but also helps you make peace with yourself.

The following are basic guidelines for implementing an appropriate apology

1. Live Up To Your Responsibility: Don't justify, rationalize or project blame onto someone or something else. Remember, we all have control over how we act. Acknowledge that you're at fault, caused pain, and take the blame that belongs, rightfully, to you.

2. Own Your Error: Fully accept that you were wrong and that you realize the un-necessary aggravation, pain, and hurt you brought about. Showing this kind of understanding offers the other person confidence that you are not merely offering an obligatory apology but are in fact aware of your offensive actions and their detrimental effects.

3. Be Explicit: Experts recommend avoiding simply apologizing for your behavior. Be specific about which actions you are most concerned about and the impact (you feel) they had. This allows the other party to feel comfortable about you assessing and examining the situation and offering them the confidence that you will try to curb it, or get professional assistance to deal with it.

4. The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth: Be honest with yourself and the person you've hurt about EXACTLY what you've done wrong. Examine and discuss the root of the problem, as well as, potential alternatives and solutions. Show the other party that you've considered the gravity of your actions and WHY it triggered such a negative response. This in-depth understanding offers confidence about your sincere desire to get to the root of the situation and move forward without ever looking back or repeating your actions

5. Let Your Guard Down: Be prepared to have the other individual express their disappointment, frustration, even anger. According to experts, refrain from getting offended or defensive. Remember, YOU were the initial instigator. The other person's feelings are valid and legitimate, and they have a right to be angry with you. Offer them that right and make it a priority to make your apology heartfelt.

6. Avoid Conditional Apologies: Refrain from "qualifying" your apology based on only certain things you felt where hurtful. Place yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand how what you did or said affected them. Experts also suggest avoiding words and phrases such as but, if, and, but.

7. If At First You Don't Succeed: Apologize more than once if you have to say experts, especially if the offense is "serious" enough and the person needs a little extra convincing. Wait for the right time and choose your words wisely. Consider also gestures that will exhibit your sincerity.

Response to Reader Comment

2008-10-26T22:32:00.003-04:00

I recently received my first comment from a reader (Anger vs. Sadness Blog) and wanted to invite others to share in my response (refer to May 29th post for actual reader comment).

Here was my response:

I am sorry that you are having a hard time "being heard" in your relationship. It never feels good when you feel you have to hide your true self from someone you love.

Have you considered marital counseling? Individual therapy?

I think one of the most important challenges in any relationship, (especially with loved ones where the potential for emotional triggers is high) is to be able to communicate our feelings and desires using "respectful adult communication."

Feelings are fundamentally what makes us who we are. On its own - you can not pass judgment on a feeling - it just IS. A feeling can not be turned off or dictated - it deserves to be looked at and understood. If we ignore, deny, or suppress our feelings, they are bound to come out in other ways - be it paralyzing depression, explosive anger, physical symptoms, or anxiety.

So, to answer your question* -

I don't think it is a matter of trying to find a way "not to be angry," it is about revisiting the possibility of being heard and seen in your relationship. Perhaps you can start by saying, "I feel angry (sad) when I feel unable to share my softer and more vulnerable feelings with you. I want to be myself with you without fearing that my "softer" side is unacceptable or unwelcome."

At the very least, it will open up a dialogue about what is important to you. And that matters.

- Dr. Adena

*Disclaimer: Feedback should not be construed as a substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you suffer from a serious mental disturbance, suicidal or homicidal thoughts, or other mental/emotional issues that might require intervention by local law enforcement, intensive care, or psychiatric hospitalization, you are advised to contact your local emergency services.

PostSecret - Connecting and Being "Heard"

2008-09-03T21:48:00.003-04:00

Last November I was introduced to the phenomenon that is "PostSecret". What started as a community mail art project has quickly become an international phenomenon. The concept is simple... individuals anonymously mail in their "secrets" on homemade postcards. While originally displayed in an art exhibition, these cards have now found their place in books, blogs, and social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace.

What is it that makes PostSecret the phenomenon that it is? To me, the answer seems clear. For its readers, it is a space to peruse the deepest (and sometimes not so deep) thoughts of other humans. Perhaps they are looking for some commonality... the feeling that they are not alone. Maybe they want to feel "normal" or find connection in their idiosyncracies. For those who submit, perhaps it is the chance to be heard without judgment or expectation. To bear their deep dark secrets with the hope and/or dread that someone they know will figure out that it was he/she who submitted it.

As a therapist I have come to learn the value of being seen and heard, without judgment or expectation. To be accepted and loved, idiosyncracies and all. Everyone deserves this. Do you feel heard?

I have MOVED!!!

2008-08-17T23:47:00.002-04:00

FYI - My new office address is 217-A Merrimon Ave.
Please visit my website at dradena.com for a map.

Thanks!

Boundaries - Not Just a Therapeutic Issue

2008-08-04T14:46:00.009-04:00

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language defines the word boundary as...

1. Something that indicates a border or limit.

2. The border or limit so indicated.

In therapy, boundaries are an important piece of preserving the therapeutic experience. They serve as protective measures for both client and therapist to decrease the potential for harm or misuse of power in the relationship. They also set the structure for the relationship, providing a consistent, reliable, predictable, context for the process of therapy. Boundaries are not just a therapeutic issue, however, and the ways in which they are set forth for us in our early lives can have resounding implications on the way we view and approach the world.

What seems like a relatively simple concept is often not so. Let’s take for instance the initial boundary that a human infant is presented with… the boundary of the amniotic sac that encases that unborn child inside their mother’s womb. Although the infant is growing inside its mother’s body, it is in fact inside its own environment with its own, unique blood pumping through its veins. That individual is indeed a separate entity. Once that child is born into the outside world, this boundary becomes more apparent as the separation becomes more clearly defined. From that point forward this individual will forever be navigating this world as an individual entity approaching the world “in relation” to others.

As children we are often limited by the boundaries our parents set forth for us. Some families may have strict, rigid boundaries regarding gender roles, parent-child relationships, interactions with individuals outside the nuclear family, physical contact, etc., while others may have boundaries that are loose or undefined. Just as boundaries set in the therapeutic relationship can provide a sense of safety and containment, boundary rules in families can provide powerful messages regarding similar issues of safety, control, respect, responsibility, and role development. Although it may not be apparent at the time, these initial messages can have a powerful impact on the way we approach the outside world and on the individuals we become.

In the extreme, a child who is physically or sexually abused becomes keenly aware of how another’s choice to cross a physical boundary has impacted them. Boundaries (or lack there of) can, however, be crossed in other, more subtle ways which can have long-term implications on our growth and development. For example a family’s boundaries may also be defined by issues such as whether you are expected to knock before you walk into someone’s room, whether privacy is valued (a child has the right to keep a diary without risking that it will be read by their parent), or whether a child’s emotional space is respected (they are not interrogated with personal questions and pressured to share information they have not volunteered).

These boundary rules can also be manifested in the parent-child relationship. Does a parent preserve the boundary between adult and child or choose to cross this boundary by sharing inappropriate information with their child regarding their own personal experiences? Does the parent protect their children from information or experiences that they do not have the developmental ability to process or understand? Do parents engage in physical and/or verbal fights in front of the children? Does a parent provide the necessary nurturing, guidance, and protection their children deserve or do they reverse this role and seek out these things from their children?

The messages conveyed through these boundary delineations can permeate our personality development in pivotal ways. Imagine for instance the parent who has difficulty recognizing that their child is their own unique person separate from themselves. This parent may see any difference of opinion or any attempts of their child to assert themselves or to pursue relationships with people other than this parent as a “betrayal” or slight. These messages can create great confusion in an individual who is trying to gain clarity or understanding of their own thoughts or beliefs, leading them to feel guilty for having thoughts/opinions separate from their parent's. As children they may feel compelled to "tiptoe" around, limiting their own opinions or contacts with others in order to avoid triggering their parents rage or insecurities. Conversely, they may rebel and spend long periods of time out of the home engaging in risky behaviors. As adults, children of poor-boundaried parents may find it difficult to truly live their life independently while maintaining a relationship with their parent, feeling guilty any time they try to assert themselves or their own needs/wants. They often feel responsible for their own parent's happiness as well as assume a caretaking role with many of those with whom they come into contact. All the while they have learned through subtle messages that they are somehow undeserving or unworthy of recognizing and/or nurturing their own independent wants and desires.

As I write this blog I am keenly aware that I could go on and on about the impact of early boundary messages on development. In tribute to the importance of appropriate boundaries, I will set a boundary for myself in writing this blog... stay tuned for boundary blog #2 in the near or not so near future.

A Work In Progress vs. A Finished Product

2008-07-01T13:47:00.008-04:00

Lately it has come to my attention how important it can be to fill one's life not only with "works in progress" but also with "a finished product". As a therapist, mother, and human being trying to muddle through a busy life, so much of the day-to-day is in fact a work in progress. Whether helping a client learn to manage relationships with others, gain better insight into his/herself, change old habits, or build new coping skills, I have come to recognize the importance of noticing and celebrating the little things in this journey towards growth and change. There is no such thing as a "final product" when it comes to evolving as an individual.
The same is true of raising a child. The truth of the matter is you are never truly "done" being a parent. As your children grow and evolve as "beings" in-and-of themselves, you are left to wonder how and when your "work" of parenting will be manifested in their behaviors and choices in life. Sometimes you may feel frustrated and filled with self-doubt as to whether you are making the right choices or doing the right things because there is no "finished product" to marvel at and say (good or bad), "hey, I made that" or "wow, look what I have accomplished."

I have recently read somewhere that in approaching life, running a home, raising a family, or keeping up with daily obligations, it can be helpful to remind yourself that everything is a process, kind of like "painting the golden gate bridge". According to goldengatebridge.org, although the bridge repainting job was finished in 1995, the actual task of painting the bridge is an ongoing task involving daily touch-ups in order to protect the bridge from the salty air which would rust and corrode the steel. Therefore, they are never really done painting the bridge because just as they finish one section they are redirected to another area that needs attention. They have 38 painters fully employed for that sole purpose!

This is where I have found that "to-do lists" and hobbies can be of tremendous value. Everyone likes to feel like they have accomplished something. To me there is no greater feeling than to see the fruits of one's labor reflected in a finished product. I think that is why I feel a tremendous pull to engage is some kind of "artsy" or "hands-on" activity on a daily basis. It keeps me moving forward and recognizing that, although the steps/tasks involved with being a parent, therapist, and homemaker are endless, I can in fact produce something tangible. That is important to me! Whether it be painting a house or a picture, planning a garden or fixing a meal with its yields (hasn't happened yet, but one can dream), or making a to-do list and checking an item off, it is invaluable in bringing me a sense of accomplishment.

If you feel like your life has become like painting the Golden Gate Bridge, I encourage you to try and find a sense of accomplishment in the details, the small gains, and minutia of it. If all else fails, write a to-do list such as "get out of bed and take a shower today" and then take pride in checking it off... it just might make a difference!

Lyrical Therapy

2008-06-12T15:31:00.008-04:00

As I mentioned previously in my "Quotes, Quotes, and More Quotes" blog, I find inspiration in various creative arts. And although I am known to indulge in the occasional not-so-inspirational-but-I-like-the-beat musical endeavor, I am finding more and more that there is no greater pleasure than finding an amazing song where you can enjoy the music as well as find meaning in the lyrics. I'm sure you can remember "that song" that spoke to you at one time in your life or another... where it seemed like the writer had stolen the thoughts from your head and put them to music. And whenever you hear that song now, you are taken back to that time, place, or feeling in your life...

I wanted to share a song that is particularly meaningful to me because I stumbled upon at a time when I was working with several "trouble teens" who gifted me with a glimpse inside their world and trusted me as much as they could trust anyone. After initially falling in love with the song for it's mix of vulnerability and rock-edge rolled into one, it became inexplicably more meaningful once I really read the lyrics. To me it represents the perfect "therapy song" for the individual who carries around so much hurt from their past and is uncertain what would be gained by sharing their story with another person... while all the while becoming their own worst enemy... I share it with you...

"Show Me Everything You've Got" - The Rocket Summer

Slide your feet, create the shock
touch another, watch it pop
live a little, live a lot
and show me everything you've got

Oh, cause it takes some time
and just a little bit good?
reality won't hurt for longer than it should
just talking about pain that is there
face the fact, don't act like you don't care

Cause you gotta stop and show it, just so I know you know it
maybe just a little bit, oh come on admit it right now
cause I know that it won't be over till it's gone
so let it be gone

And show me everything you've got
I know you're scared
But let your walls just drop
You gotta take that step, and your heart, just let it pour out

Now I know it's hard to be something that you don't think you are
but it's hard for me to even try to understand why you are beating your own heart
cause you gotta try, just try to be honest
and I will be honest all these things that I say
and I'll listen clear, whether brave or you're modest, I'm here
don't hold back, don't hesitate, don't disappear

And show me everything you've got
I know you're scared
But let your walls just drop
You gotta take that step, and your heart, just let it pour out

And show me everything you've got
I know you're scared
But it's time for you to stop
You gotta take that step, and your heart, just let it make sound

So hey, just let it pour out
don't let your past begin to let you down
just sing it out, just let it make sound
and as it will hurt, it will be healed and found
'cause it's normal that emotional pasts can spawn
emotionless dads, mothers, and nation's flags
so show your face, no don't be afraid,
no don't be afraid to show your face

After all these things I've learned
bad things I do and don't deserve
can easily just shape my life
or shape the way I start to die

No, cause it's up to me
if I dwell much longer than I should
and I'll hold my tears for years thinkin' it's doing me good
so just start right now, just make a vow, you'll let your heart just sing it out, sing it out

And show me everything you've got
I know you're scared
But let your walls just drop
You gotta take that step, and your heart, just let it pour out

And show me everything you've got
I know you're scared
But it's time for you to stop
You gotta take that step, and your heart, just let it make sound

Finding a Therapist - One Size Does Not Fit All

2008-06-08T20:28:00.011-04:00

Have you ever come across a hat or shirt labeled "one size fits all"? It seems odd to me that this could actually be the case. I mean, from my experience there appears to be a widely diverse range of head and body sizes to truly accommodate a single hat or shirt size. If you did happened to be outside the range of "one size fits all", wouldn't it seem fruitless to continue to try to make it work just because it said it was supposed to? Perhaps one size does NOT fit all.

It has come to my attention over and over again that many people do not realize that the same is true when seeking a therapist. Although some may argue that any particular difficulty connecting with a therapist is related to some "resistance" on the part of the client, I do not always see it that way. From both personal and professional experience, it is clear to me that the words "therapist, psychotherapist, analyst, counselor, mental health professional, social worker, marriage and family therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc." can encompass a wide range of professionals, each with their own therapeutic approaches, interpersonal styles, and specific expertise. Yet it is amazing how a bad (or good) experience with one such professional can impact a person's thoughts/feelings towards therapy in general. Of course no therapist is perfect, as we each have our own strengths and weaknesses, however, having a "bad experience" in therapy does not have to mean that therapy as a whole is bad. Therapy can and often does help, and the degree to which it does can depend on several factors (client-therapist relationship, severity of difficulties, client motivation, etc). The purpose of this blog is to highlight the importance of a good client-therapist match.

When looking for a therapist it is important to ask yourself if you feel comfortable with this person. A good client-therapist match is perhaps one of the most important factors in finding relief through therapy. Although a therapist is different than a friend, it is important that you feel comfortable bringing all of who you are into therapy. Do you feel that the therapist respects you as an individual, with your own thoughts, opinions, and beliefs? Do you feel free to be honest with them?

If you feel compelled to lie to your therapist or hide any frustrations you experience in the client-therapist interaction, the effectiveness of therapy will inevitably be compromised. In my work I make it a point to encourage my clients to give me feedback about my thoughts/ interpretations and let me know if they seem off-base or unhelpful. It is often through these discussions that greater insight and understanding occurs.

The decision to seek therapy takes amazing courage and it is important that you are getting the service you want and deserve. You should feel free to interview several therapists and find the one that works best for you. This is especially true when seeking therapy for your child or teenager. Oftentimes it can be difficult to get them to consider therapy in the first place. For this reason alone, it is important to make sure they realize they have a choice in who they can see and shouldn't feel compelled to make it work if the connection simply isn't there. If you have to go to therapy, shouldn't it be with someone who you feel can and is helpful to you? There are many options out there, and one size definitely does not fit all.

Anger vs. Sadness: Two Sides of the Same Coin?

2008-05-29T16:43:00.005-04:00

As a therapist I get a range of referrals for treatment. What intrigues me is the idea that there are such thing as "Anger Management Classes" however I have never had anyone approach me for "Depression Management Classes." As a rule I do not offer anger management classes, as I do not buy into the idea that you can take a series of classes to help you "manage" your anger and thereby - problem solved! Sure, you CAN build coping skills and learn ways of productively expressing your thoughts and ideas in ways that others can hear you... I get that... but in the process are you really getting to the heart of the matter? Why are you so angry to begin with? Oftentimes ANGER is a mask we wear for other, more vulnerable emotions... fear, guilt, frustration, embarrassment, disappointment, or perhaps Sadness. I have even heard it said that Anger and Sadness are mirror images of the same emotion, one internally expressed, one externally expressed.

In my work I often find it helpful to assist my clients in finding their mirrored feeling. If someone enters therapy under the guise of depression I may help them (when the timing is right) figure out why they may be angry and how they ended up turning it inward upon themselves. With this new understanding they may be able to find effective ways of expressing these feelings to important people in their lives instead of allowing it to grow inside them resulting in their own stagnation. On the flip side, if someone calls me for anger management classes, I kindly explain that I do not offer these classes but would gladly invite them in for individual therapy. From that point forward I not only help them learn more effective ways of expressing their frustrations without violating the rights of others, I also encourage them to look inward to discover the more vulnerable feelings underneath. Perhaps it is struggling with the disappointment that the only person you can change is YOU or the sadness of perpetually being misunderstood. Without healing these inner wounds (and merely focusing on their outward expression) are we truly doing enough?

Quotes, Quotes, and More Quotes

2008-05-20T13:41:00.011-04:00

I was chatting with one of my sisters the other day and shared with her a letter I had written regarding the nature of change in a parent-child relationship as they "leave the nest" so to speak. When I asked her what she thought, she responded that "it was very 'Adena'." Hmmm, I thought, before I jump to the conclusion that this is not a good thing, I asked her what she meant. She clarified that it "put a positive spin on things and used a lot of metaphors." I could not argue with this... I guess it was very "Adena."

As a creative person I tend to seek out words, visual art, song lyrics, dance, or other expressive arts as a way of capturing what it is I or others are seeking to communicate. Sometimes my thoughts are better expressed through a meaningful song, an inspirational quote, or a thought provoking work of art. If you have reached this blog through my private practice website, you are probably well aware of my appreciation for thought inspiring quotes. I decided to take a few minutes here to share some of my favorites with you. Enjoy!

On Loving Yourself

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. --- Buddha

There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: "This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision." When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you. --- Stacey Charter

You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. --- Louise L. Hay

On Loving Others

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. --- Thomas Merton

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. --- Sam Keen

Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it. --- Swedish proverb

On Strength and Vulnerability

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love. --- Washington Irving

Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. --- Author Unknown

Be strong little marshmallow. --- Author Unknown

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." --- Mary Anne Radmacher

On Family and Parenting

Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. --- Elizabeth Stone

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. --- Erma Bombeck

The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to. --- Dodie Smith

You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back. --- William D. Tammeus

On Growth and Change

Every blade of grass has its Angel that bends over it and whispers, "Grow, grow." --- The Talmud

When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly. --- Patrick Overton

It's never too late to be what you might have been. --- George Eliot

Healing Wounds

2008-05-18T18:36:00.005-04:00

As I was contemplating my first post actually having to do with the process of therapy, I felt that it would be most appropriate to share with you one of my favorite therapy analogies ( credited to my primary supervisor at my last job... ;-) Thanks Stacy!) embellished slightly by my own imagination.

Imagine yourself riding a bike along a quiet neighborhood street. As you cross through a gravel covered alley, a twig accidentally gets stuck in your bicycle wheel causing you to lose control and take a tumble onto the gravel below. Still shocked by the initial impact, you are unaware of the extent of your injuries, as you are trying to figure out how you managed to fall in the first place (you thought you were a pretty capable bike rider) and hoping that no one was around to see your fall (how embarrassing)! It is only after the initial shock wears off and you have regained your wits that you look down to see a large dirt-and-gravel-filled gash on your leg... deep enough for the dirt and gravel to require some strategic extraction but perhaps not deep enough to require an immediate trip to the emergency room.

Here comes the choice point. As you look down at that gash on your leg, you are quite certain that the cleansing process will not be an easy one. You feel faint and slightly nauseated at the idea of having to dig out all those tiny pebbles. There is a part of you that wants to pretend the rocks and dirt aren't REALLY there. Maybe you can get a large bandage to cover it up so you won't have to face the sight of the dirty wound... after all, out of sight out of mind. Yes, you may still feel it throbbing and aching, but you can just tell yourself that it is all part of the healing process. You did, in fact, fall of your bike, and that does not come without its aches and pains. Flash forward several days, weeks, months, or years... you can only guess what that grimy wound may become. Without proper cleansing and care, what would likely have been an afternoon of painful cleansing has now developed into something much worse. The wound has refused to heal and has become infected a thousand times over... and the pain, indescribable! Now what are your options? Antibiotics? Surgery? Amputation? How did all this happen? You just fell off your bike... it shouldn't have come to this!

Hmmm, maybe not such a good idea to play ostrich and stick your head in the sand. Perhaps it would be better to give that wound the proper care it needs, even though you are fairly certain that it is gonna hurt like $*!#. The beautiful thing... you don't have to do it alone.

Therapy can be the process of cleaning out these wounds... slowly, carefully, and as thoroughly as possible. It can be painful at times, especially when dealing with the bigger rocks, and yet it is still important to push through the pain so that the greater healing can begin. During this process, along with cleaning out and caring for these woulds, you may also learn strategies for seeking out safer paths or developing a keener awareness of how to navigate around unexpected twigs in the road. Maybe your twig is a troubled relationship, an unexpected life or career change, or a personal struggle. It may catch you off guard and knock you off your feet leaving a wound you never expected. Therapy can help you dress your wounds, and yes, there may be a scar which remains, but perhaps you may ultimately avoid the need to cut off parts of yourself in order to survive.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

2008-05-15T08:14:00.015-04:00

As I have taken on the challenge of planting my first vegetable garden this year, I am overwhelmed by the "science" of it all. I have spent hours poured over different gardening books, studying planting calendars, concocting the perfect compost, and prying my friends for their secrets, yet I still feel clueless. I have learned that in preparing my garden I need to take into account both the amount of sun my garden will receive as well as the nature of the soil. The ideal soil for a vegetable garden is deep, easily worked over, and well-drained with a high organic matter content. While some plants love acid soil, others need a more neutral or alkaline soil. Some plants are best started indoors and transplanted, while others have difficulty transplanting successfully and are best started directly in the ground... wow, this seems so complicated!

I started several different vegetables inside, careful to provide them with enough food and light to aid their growth. Much to my dismay, only a few actually germinated successfully. To make matters worse, I naively entrusted my sprouted seeds to someone in my absence, trusting that they would provide adequate care, only to find my seedlings wilted when I returned. Fortunately, I was able to nurse some back to life and transplant them outdoors successfully, but even my best intentions did not protect them from the rabbits and other creatures that would lead to their ultimate demise.

With my best laid plans aside, I found inspiration from a friend who said, "I was surprised to see that I have lettuce growing when I just put them in plain, clay-rich soil." With this information and revived determination, I plotted out my new garden, mixed the dirt, added some compost and nutrient rich soil and planted away. With a new protective barrier to keep the critters at bay and some TLC, I have noticed some new growth in my impromptu garden. Not all the seeds have germinated at the same rate and shoots have arisen where I had given up hope. Only time will tell... but my fingers are crossed!

Growing a vegetable garden, with its mixture of part "formula," part "biology," and part "circumstance," is not unlike the process by which we as humans grow in this world. No two of us are created equal and each of us may require different "ingredients" that will enable us to thrive. While the fundamentals of raising a healthy, well-adjusted child can serve as a "formula" - providing our children with support, respect and acceptance, consistency, security, unconditional love and affection, and a voice that is heard - there is no "exact science" that can capture what the human will can withstand or thrive within. Some of us are more resilient than others, able to bounce back from even the most grueling conditions, while others require the most tender care to bring us to root.

As parents we may read all the parenting books and put into practice all that the parenting gurus suggest, only to have an unforeseeable event (someone forgets to water them) disrupt the status quo. In addition we must come to appreciate the different "temperaments" of our little seedlings. Just as seeds planted in the same soil can grow or perish under similar conditions, children born into the same family bring their own unique personalities and needs. We must learn to adapt the soil for their individual pH requirements and not expect that each will grow at the same rate nor be challenged by the same pests or ailments.

They say it takes ten years to become an expert gardener... yet we expect to know all the answers when dealing with our fellow humans! Next time you feel compelled to compare your kids to each other or to someone else's or to compare your own ability to tolerate a perceived slight to another's tolerance for the same, it is important to remember that we each have our own growth histories and our own climate, nutrient, and protective needs. One garden does not indeed fit all!

For today, I encourage you to look inward and explore your individual needs as well as the environments that cause you to wither or blossom. I ask you this... "How Does Your Garden Grow?"

Crazy little thing called "Parenting"

2008-05-12T10:45:00.007-04:00

There is nothing like being a parent to bring you face to face with the concept of what it means to love someone unconditionally. That is what being a parent is about, right? At least, that is what it means to me! The fact is, that child never asked to be born (yes, yes, I realize that some would disagree, but let's just say they DIDN'T for the sake of argument).

When you choose to bring a child into this world, or commit to raise a child who was brought into your life, you have taken on this job of "parent". As a parent of 4 and a professional dedicated to helping others sort through their thoughts/feelings often linked to their role as parent or as child, I feel compelled to share my thoughts regarding this "Crazy Little Thing Called Parenting."

Being a parent means committing to raise a human separate than yourself while at the same time accepting that they are a "human separate than yourself." A seemingly simple concept... but oh how complex it is! As humans it is often difficult to understand our own thoughts, feelings, and choices, yet we expect to be able to control/manage those of our children... WAY easier said than done. Why just this morning I spent an hour trying to create a safe, accepting environment for my tantruming 3 year old as he continued to meltdown regarding Where I Stood In The Bathroom While He Did His Business, Whether He Wanted to Eat Before or After His Favorite Show, Where I Put His Cup In The Dishwasher (Top Shelf vs Bottom Shelf), etc. while at the same time conveying that it was not okay for him to hit or kick me. Now I understand that underneath it all, he was just trying to maintain some sense of control while coming to terms with the age old adage... the only person who you can truly control is yourself. Little did he know that I was also "trying to maintain some sense of control while coming to terms with the age old adage... the only person who you can truly control is yourself." Maybe we are all closer to toddlerhood than we realize!

Being a parent is recommitting yourself every day to being the safe object that your child can push against and in the end know that you are still there to love them. Isn't that what hide-and-seek is all about... Your child is going to hide in the trickiest place, the hardest place for you to find them and then wait for you to FIND them! Then they are going to do it again, and you will FIND THEM AGAIN! And yet, the rules do not necessarily apply in reverse... when it is your turn to "hide", you can not expect your child to come find you... or you may end up stuck in the closet all day. That is not their job after all! They did not make the commitment... YOU DID!

We can only hold onto the hope that by giving them our unconditional love, they will blossom into individuals capable of that same kind of love and commitment if and when they choose to give it! Oh... PARENTING! What a wonderful, crazy-making, joyous, stressful, and rewarding concept.

My best to all the parents and children out there trying to navigate their way through this thing called "life".

Learning to "Hold Both" - Replacing "But" with "And"

2008-05-06T14:34:00.013-04:00

We have all heard it or said it once in our lives.... "I love you, but I am very angry with you right now" or "I really like you, but I am afraid of getting hurt."

Seems pretty reasonable, right? I always used to believe so, until one of my supervisors on internship opened my eyes to what the word "but" really implies...

According to dictionary.com, its first meaning is "on the contrary". So, in translation, I take this to mean that being angry with someone is "on the contrary" to loving them. Is that true? Is it not possible to love someone and feel angry about something they did or didn't do?

If it is true that one feeling negates the other... then this implies that we live in a volatile world where love is given and taken away unless we are always pleasing those around us...

And forget about everyone else... oftentimes we put this same pressure on ourselves... if we have a bad day or snap at someone we are "bad", BUT if we are feeling in sync and connected we are "doing okay."

Do all of our negative qualities negate our positive ones? I certainly hope not, yet it is amazing how often we convey this, not only through our own struggles for perfectionism, but also through the words we use towards ourselves and others. If we can embrace the multiplicity of our emotions and feel a safety in "holding both", maybe this world will feel a little safer and the "perfectionists" in the world could find solace in the "good enough".

My challenge to you... when you catch yourself using the word BUT, pause and see whether AND might be a more "balanced" choice. You just might surprise yourself!

The Value of Connection

2008-05-05T08:44:00.006-04:00

Connection (noun) - dictionary.com
1. the act or state of connecting
2. the state of being connected
3. association with or development of something observed, imagined, discussed

How do you define connection? This idea of "connection" has been a reoccurring theme for me both personally and professionally over the past year. With a cross-country move and the losses and gains that accompany this change, I can not escape the importance of feeling "connected" or "part" of something. With today's technology including cell phones, text messages, IMs, blogs, and networking sites (myspace, facebook), it would seem that we are as connected as ever... but are we? Yes, we do have the immediate gratification of knowing a message has been sent and received and hopefully "heard" in the process, but is that all it takes to "be connected"?

For me, I am learning, this is not enough. I miss the "humanness" of it all. The subtle curl of the lip when someone smiles, the sound of a belly laugh or even a deep sob, the "glimmer of knowing" or the "dull ache or longing" that can be read in someone's eyes, the shoulder squeeze, the wink, or the bear hug.... these are all an important part of what connection means to me. It is no wonder that I had such complete and utter joy in snuggling with my 5 1/2 month old niece during our first meeting this weekend... I want that! It is not the same as just seeing a picture... even if it is a "moving one" through I-Chat. And what happens if this just isn't possible? You can't live everywhere (at least not yet)!

I don't have the answer, so I apologize if that is what you were waiting for... All I DO know is that connection is important to me, and something which I will continue to make a priority in my everyday life... whether it be gathering with friends to laugh over common parenting struggles, crafty ideas, or mealtime planning, calling distance friends or long-lost/found relatives to catch up on life, or sitting with a client who has honored me by sharing their story and allowing me to connect with them in their joys and pains... I am in! Yes, with connection brings the potential for pain, disappointment, or misunderstandings..... AND, I AM IN!